The emotional side of BXO

Any kind of ailment on or around our genitalia affects us deeply. There is such a stigma placed around STDs that, even when confronted by something that is not infectious, we still end up denigrating ourselves in much the same way as we would if we did have one. It's not just the connotations of being 'unhealthy' that get us down, it's also just the mere visual imperfections. It's bad enough having acne on your face, let alone an unattractive imperfection on our genitals. There's another side to BXO as well - the loss of physical function. In my case, my skin was so tightened and inflexible from it that most kinds of sexual activity were out of the question. I know this can be particularly problematic for women with Lichen Sclerosus, as they can experience very serious issues affecting their sexual capabilities.

So here's BXO, which while not contagious, looks hideous and impacts on what we can do, sexually. To top it all off, the medical profession don't really seem to have a whole lot of useful help for sufferers, and even with natural treatments (which work as well if not better) the disease is painfully slow to heal. As you might expect, and probably know, this disease preys on your self-confidence in a very cruel way.

So, how do you deal with it? How does one come to terms with a most inconvenient ailment as BXO?

There are five stages of grief. Bear with me on this, because although it probably sounds like I'm committing you to a life of suffering, I'm not... There are five stages of grief, and people move through them in order from one to five:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I'm not here to talk about the grieving process, but what you will notice is that the fifth and final stage is acceptance. Talk to any psychologist and they will tell you the key to overcoming anxiety is to accept that you have anxiety. Once again, there's a similar theme here. Again, it probably sounds like I'm dooming you to a life of suffering from BXO, but I'm not.

But if you are able to overcome the sexual impacts and regain full function, why do you care if you have BXO? Because you long for perfection. Any kind of ailment sends us away from that nirvana of perfection, and we dislike that. If BXO affected your armpits, for instance, would you care as deeply? No. So why is it so different? Because you long for perfection. But if you accept that you have a disease that affects the look of your genitals, then seriously, so what? It's really that simple.

For those who are wanting to date, but embarrassed to because of BXO, the key really is learning to accept it, and not to let it define you. BXO is not contagious, and it's not harmful to others. But do you think hiding behind it is going to end well? I'm not suggesting you drop it into the first conversation you ever have with a new date, but I also feel like one of the biggest demons BXO sufferers actually face is living with the secret of it. Keeping a secret is essentially holding onto a lie, and lies eventually eat away at you. So my suggestion to you is this:

1. Learn to accept that you have BXO. Treat yourself using methods that work for you, and have patience. The change will be slow, but it will happen once you find the right treatment. Once you reach the state of acceptance, every small improvement you get becomes a bonus, rather than a "there's still a long way to go" reminder.
2. Lose the notion that BXO defines you. It doesn't. Regardless of what stage you are along the healing journey, BXO is a superficial thing that only goes skin deep, and it doesn't change who you are.
3. If you are still uncomfortable about sexual activity because of BXO, remember that nobody is forcing you to go there until you feel ready. There's no rules about when a couple should become sexual. It might well be a non-negotiable, unalterable term for you that you don't ever go to bed with someone until you feel absolute trust in them. That is your choice, and your partner should respect that. If they don't, then they aren't worth dating.
4. Once you reach the stage where you feel you have reached the level of trust you need between yourself and your partner, then just be totally honest with them and tell them that you have a skin condition that you are self-conscious about. You'll find life becomes so much easier once that's out in the open. Again, if your partner freaks out because of it and leaves, then they aren't worth dating. 
5. If the relationship doesn't work out, never blame it on BXO. Even if the person were to say (which they wouldn't) that they were leaving for the sole reason that you had BXO, that is seriously entirely their problem, and in no way yours.

Hopefully some of this helps someone in some way. It's sinking in for me that BXO is probably something I'm going to have to live with for a long time yet, so I figure I may as well still enjoy life anyway despite it.